Friday, April 8, 2011

I'm a Walking Contradiction

Yesterday while I was practicing my painting skills, or lack thereof, on my friend's kitchen walls, we were reminiscing over our youth and childhood (I'm dangerously close to breaking into song from the Sound of Music).  It's amazing how a Jewish girl from Florida and a Catholic girl from California could almost be sisters.  (Yes, it does sound like there should be a punch line but strangely enough, there is not.)

Before I begin, I do owe her an apology.  She mentioned an old friend constantly being insensitive and my comment was that she's toxic and to leave her at the dump.  Then, I immediately turn around and start talking about how an old friend hurt me but that I'd probably forgive her.  What a putz!  (My, I do believe that's Yiddish!)  I'm sorry my dear.  I'm a walking contradiction.  Do not accept any advice I dish out.  And that goes to all my readers.  Never, ever forget the title of my blog...

Back to the friend conversation.  I suppose this was due to come up eventually.  There are probably a few folks out there squirming and thinking, "Oh boy, is she really going to dig this up?"  Yep.  This blog is supposed to be therapeutic so perhaps by the time I'm finished writing, there won't be as much discomfort out there.  By the way, I'm smiling as I type this.  Relax everyone.  It's ok. 

I've never had a problem making and keeping friends.  I have a fairly relaxed attitude and a weird sense of humor as many of you have come to know.  Growing up I tended to hang out within circles of friends.  Many of these same friends I still communicate with on FB today.  Several, in particular, became like sisters to me.  We had each other's clothes in our closets and if the shoes didn't fit, we made them fit damn it!  We knew everything about each other.  We were bridesmaids at each other's weddings and planned on having our babies play together.  Most of us managed to keep that promise but at one point it almost collapsed.

I became the bulls eye for something vicious.  I don't know what was said about me - I never asked.   All I know is that one day, before my wedding to Eric, and after I moved out of my parent's home, I called my friend and tried to give her my new phone number.  After three sad excuses of being too busy, my naive brain finally figured it out.  Oh, she didn't want it.  Heartbreak.  No reason.  No explanation.  She just didn't want it.  Her wedding was coming.  Every one of the "sisters" were in the wedding.  I wasn't even invited.  Heartbreak.  No reason.  No explanation.  Friends that I'd known for years, part of our little circle had stopped communicating with me.  What had I done?  What had I said?  Heartbreak.  No reason.  No explanation.

So yesterday, here I am painting with my new friend whom I truly feel is like another sister.  Laughing hysterically, cussing, sloppin' paint everywhere, commiserating over our special needs children, and I hear myself telling her this story.  A story I hadn't shared with such great detail in over ten years.  Then the most amazing thing came out of my mouth.  I heard myself say, "I love her" and "I wish she were in my life because I miss her so much".  No reason.  No explanation.  Just time, a healed wound, and some forgiveness for an unknown childhood heartbreak.  You can stop squirming now. 

1 comment:

Brenda said...

Breezy, my darling sister, your advice is nothing to be tossed aside. You speak from your heart. You gave the advice to ditch the toxic friend because you care about me. You said it out of love, not out of rationality or logic. Friendship is a tangled web of emotions, healthy and unhealthy. I appreciate you and thank you for caring enough about me to give your advice to dump.

Toxic people are difficult to understand, no matter how long we know them. We think we have it all figured out and then the poison seeps in again. In the end we somehow find a way to blame ourselves. It's part of the poison. And yet, once we realize it's not our fault, we are just as ready to accept the person back into our arms and forgive.

You are beautiful, Bri. You love with your whole heart. You are genuine. You are a gift. I hope that whomever you share yourself with and whomever you bring into your embrace are worthy of such a treasure.

I love you, my friend.