Monday, June 13, 2011

Loathsome Flying Bastards!

It's about this time of year when our house smells of mosquito repellent.  Those loathsome flying bastards seem to hover over the house like there's a flashing, neon sign which says, "Welcome all nasty, blood sucking, disease carrying mosquitoes!  Our bodies are open for business!"

Nasty Thing!
It doesn't matter that the man of the house, Eric, has little or no known blood available at his disposal.  In fact, I'm surprised that he's not considered a walking, living corpse.  But the rest of us, we have more than enough to make up for Eric.  In fact, I think my husband is actually the bait.  When we're sitting outside, it doesn't matter the amount of spray he has on him, the bugs just cling to his clothes and body as if they're spying on the rest of us determining the places that perhaps we've missed.  And sure enough...they get us on those very spots.

My butt!  I have never once denied that I'm fluffy; however, why - how - what - do I do to protect my derrière from the massive amounts of attacks that are inflicted upon my backside??  I do everything but spray it directly and I'm assuming that it can't be good for this genteel area of my body.  What happens if the nasty spray spreads and wanders someplace it shouldn't (if you catch my meaning)?  How would I explain this to my doctor?  And, isn't there a warning directly on the can which reads, "Not intended for internal use"?  I'm guessing that this would be considered "internal" use.  Ugggh.  How awful.  So instead, my juicy, fat ass is inflicted all summer long with mosquito bites that can't be itched in public because otherwise it looks like I have a serious problem.  Lovely.

And how do they get to my fannie?  At night, in the darkness of my bedroom.  I hear the little shits.  They're terrifying.  The high pitched itty attack screams, "I'm coming for your big, fat..."  It's enough to drive me insane.  In fact, this is the time of the year that if Austynn's sleep medication doesn't kick in, he panics that he also hears the mosquitoes coming in for their attacks.  I feel for him.  I really do.  He's another juicy morsel.  Just looking at him, I know the bugs are licking their chops waiting to get a suck out of him.  Sure enough, in the morning the kiddo is covered.  Unfortunately, Austy is a picker.  He'll scratch his bites until they become open sores. Bandages and Neosporin are always on hand in this house.

William is also juicy but he won't say a thing until his entire leg is a swollen lump of bites.  I believe his deal is that he wants to be the suffering martyr.  He'll have me apply the pink mosquito medicine and comment what a brave soul he's been throughout the whole ordeal.  Good for him.  He is a brave soul.  I, on the other hand, am not.  I am a whining, awful, pain in the itchy butt especially since I can not scratch in public.

Damn the mosquitoes!!


Pat said...

I love that commercial :)

Brenda said...

Now I'm itching all over.