Sunday, June 12, 2011

We Are Our Own Worst Enemies

Oh summer.  The smell of coconut sunscreen mingled with bug spray, campfire smoke, and overly chlorinated pools fill the air.  It's also the time of year when I start considering which bathing suit will or will not fit me this season.  Did I put on weight over the holidays, did I shed some excess baggage, or do I just go for broke toss the old ones and start from scratch?  No matter which option I choose, none of them are exactly exciting.

2005 Night Before Surgery
Several years ago I had weight altering surgery because I weighed a whopping 337 pounds.  Wow, it startles me even to type it.  To be honest with you, surgery was not the way to go.  It dealt with the weight but certainly not with why I put it on to begin with.  So, as with a lot of Gastric Bypass patients, I started putting the weight back on again.  Fortunately, I caught up with myself emotionally.  I'm still overweight. I never lost my optimum amount and gained back about 60 pounds from the 180 that I initially lost; however, I stopped the nonsense in my head before I completely lost control.

Now this is where the sticky part comes in...bathing suits.  That old, ugly voice comes creeping back.  "Crap, look at those knockers!  They're huge!  I need a separate zip code for them." Or "It's going to take me three weeks and ten razor blades to shave my thighs, they're enormous!" Or "I can fucking fly with these arms, they're bat wings!"  And of course, one of my all time favorites, "What the Hell!  This fat slappin' around my belly and knee caps announce my arrival an hour before I even show up."

Austynn and Bri 2011

So you see, I don't need any enemies.  I do just fine on my own.  And, if I don't hear myself saying these awful things to myself in the mirror, I can always count on Austynn to try and cheer me up.  "Mom, I haven't seen you wear a bathing suit for so long!  You might want to push that extra skin in under your arms, it's sticking out of your suit."

It's an everyday struggle to look in the mirror and affirm that hey, I'm not so bad.  I'm actually an incredible human being with a lot to offer the world.  It's amazing how a handful of negatives when you're young turn into a whole lot of ugliness when you're older.  So, it's time to go a huntin' for a swimsuit and a little self-confidence because after all, I'm beautiful - we all are.  Now damnit, where are my razors?


Brenda said...

Now you know that I understand this blog to a tee. The story of my life. You get in a damn swim suit, you get in the water with me and we'll laugh so hard that we won't give a shit whether fat flaps, hangs or slaps the bitch in the bikini next to us! Love you girlfriend. Remember your beautiful.

Leigh Ann said...

Can I join ya'll?