Saturday, July 30, 2011

Can I get any sillier? Just take me shopping.

Soup Nazi
Why are people so serious?  Have you ever gone grocery shopping and looked at the people around you?  Now, I understand that times are tough and we have a lot of stuff on our minds.  Trust me, I GET IT!  But really, lighten up people!  Smile!  Stop, look up, and take a load off.

Yesterday was a long day for me.  If you haven't guessed it by now, it was my "big" shopping day.  The day when I put together my 2-week menu, go through my pantry, and shop for all my household staples and cooking supplies.  I wish I could say that I shop at just one convenient location but with the economy such as it is, I go to several different stores with coupons in hand and ready to do battle with cash registers.  By the time I get to my local grocery store, I am giddy with exhaustion. 

Suffice it to say, the idea of taking my two Aspergian boys who can't agree on whether the sky is blue or gray makes me want to howl like a baby.  Summer break is awful in this regard.  My boys normally go everywhere with me so when it comes to my "big" shopping day, I must prepare myself with plenty of emotional rest the day before.  I must be alert and on my game.  If I'm not, I end up walking away without the steak for Saturday's steak dinner or talked into $50 worth of bungee cords that Dad doesn't need for some project that he never planned on starting. 

Normally, I'm ready to go.  My lists (I'm all about lists) are prepared several days in advance with coupons clipped and the appropriate pre-printed Excel grocery spreadsheet highlighting items needed by aisle (yes, I am slightly uptight - yet extremely organized).  My linen shopping bags (I'm all about being "green" these days) are sitting with the dry cleaning bag, my charged cell phone ("impossible!", my friend, Brenda thinks), and my keys are with my purse.  I am ready for battle.  I will get a good night's sleep so that my boys will not get the better of me on Friday morning.

WRONG!  Nothing was ready yesterday except that my phone was charged (my friend will be so proud).  My sleep was muddled by the itty screams of mosquitoes diving in for attacks (refer to my other blogs).  Apparently the dogs were having nightmares and kicking me over the same thing.  I woke up exhausted.  Definitely not on my game.  By the time I made my menus, checked the pantry and household supplies, and compiled my coupons, it was well past 1:00pm.  This was not acceptable.  I'm a woman who likes to get out early with my boys, avoid the crowds, the heat, and the bizarre stares when Austy makes references about my ugly toe nails.  I made a last minute decision...leave 'em at home.

Why not?  William was on medication from Tuesday's deviated septum surgery.  He would not be up to moving around and certainly wouldn't be arguing with Austynn.  If I let Austy play Wii downstairs, he'd be in his Heaven.  So that's what I did.  For the first time all summer I was free to peruse through the stores alone.  No arguing.  No distractions.  No 13 year old crawling on the floor under the jewelry cases at Walmart looking for misplaced "diamonds".  I was silly.  I was giddy.  I was downright stupid with happiness and my new found freedom. 

By the time I got to my local grocery store, my final stop, I was exhausted.  I don't know about you, but when I'm tired, really tired, I tend to act goofy.  As I stood in the soup aisle, I started talking outloud.  I became the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld"What iz ze difference between ze generic and ze store brand.  Zalt free o weez geez a leetle beet o zalt?"  I couldn't stop talking like that.  I was crackin' myself up.  I was laughing outloud.  I was having fun.  I found myself singing to the overhead music, Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond in the same accent.  I was waving my butt to it.  I think people were honestly worried about me.  Wait a minute, I know...I was a LUNATIC HOUSEWIFE!  Now isn't that ironic? 

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