Sunday, July 17, 2011

What Did He Just Scream Out The Window?

Cussing is an art.  It is not something that comes naturally, though at times with the way that the expletives fly out of my mouth, one would think I was born with the vocabulary list on the tip of my tongue.

Eliza Doolittle, My Fair Lady
To quote one of my favorite literary heroines, Eliza Doolittle, "I'm a good girl, I am".  I don't intend to scream nasties out the window at jerks who cut me off in their jacked up Toyota Corollas (BASTARDS!).  They could have guns.  Besides, what kind of an example am I teaching my young and impressionable children sitting next to me?  I must remain calm, relaxed, and patient.  I must find my Zen.  I must take a deep breath and envision my relaxing pool of crystal clear, sparkling, blue water while continuing to keep my eyes on the road at all times.  Fuck the Toyota Corolla and the Ass Hole driving it.  Oops!!  Damn it, I just cussed, didn't I?

Imagine my shock and surprise when my sweet husband, Eric cussed in front of me for the first time.  It was something I had never expected and had never, EVER experienced or heard before in my life.  A list of expletives so long, so exaggerated and so out of place that if the person they were intended for heard them, he or she would have laughed their asses of.  I did.  I felt badly.  Really I did, for about two seconds.  At the time I thought he was joking but unfortunately he was seriously angry and meant every four-letter word of it. 

I was aghast.  How could anyone seriously cuss like that?  Where did he learn to throw out the F-Bomb with such lack of skill?  And then it hit me, yes - cussing is an art, and I was the master.  Going forward, I was determined to take on my husband as my apprentice.

It's been a rough road.  We've cut down his screaming 10-string expletives to just 5 or 6.  So now instead of ranting, "stupid m'fn son of a biotch piece of shite d*ck weed cr@ppin f&*@" (whew, that exhausts me just typing it), he breaks it down a bit and throws in a couple of hand gestures.  AND, we're working hard on not having the kids in the car.  My ultimate goal is just a 2-word combo with an emphasis on one of the words.  We'll get there eventually but it's going to be a long haul.

Cussing is an art, obviously for some people it just doesn't come naturally.

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