Wednesday, August 24, 2011

If a moth flies in your ear, I'm there for you friend.

Some things just make me laugh out loud not because they cause discomfort to the people in question but because I can totally see that happening to me. 

For instance, on Monday evening while playing in right field during the eighth inning with two outs, Matt Holliday of the St. Louis Cardinals had a moth fly into his ear.  No problem right?  Flick it out?  Wrong.  It went all the way in!  The player looked somewhat unnerved on the field when he realized he needed some help but me, oh no - I'd be a freak.  I'd be hopping up and down completely out of my mind.  The very thought of a bug crawling into my brain via my ear canal would be enough to commit me right there and then.  You all know how I feel about bugs...oh, I must stop typing about this because I'm beginning to itch my ridiculous mosquito bites!

When stupid things happen to me they also occur in front of large groups of people.  I'd love to say they happen when I'm in the privacy of my own humiliation, but no.  Life is never that kind.  Once, also while I was playing in outfield - but not in front thousands and a national audience, more like 15 spectators, a couple of junior high teams, and my dad (he was the killer punch) - I wanted to look like a professional baseball player (what a total geek!).  I thought by placing three quarters of a box of bubble gum tape in my mouth I would look like I had a huge wad of chewing tobacco in my cheek.  Totally sexy, I agree.  Suddenly, a fly ball was hit in my direction.  Strange, no one hit fly balls in my direction that's why coach put me out in left field.  I was awful at everything except for hitting the ball.  No!  This wasn't supposed to happen!  I ran to catch it and in my excitement and nervousness, the huge wad of gum got stuck in my windpipe.  Yes, that's right.  I never caught the ball that day (not that I was expected to).  It was an in the park home run while my team, dad, and 15 spectators looked on in horror as I laid in the grass and choked on three quarters of a box of bubble gum tape.

Now that I've recovered from my earlier itching episode, I can also share that I've had many a near bug in the ear experience.  Mine usually resulted in chain reaction incidents.  They happened when riding my bike across lanes of traffic.  The ultimate in audience participation.  A bee or hornet would find it's way under my blowing hair and then the chain reaction would occur.  I would scream, wave my head like a crazy girl, take my hands off my handle bars to release said offender from under my hair line, lose control of my bike, and fall over in the crosswalk in front of the cars waiting for their green lights.  Once I actually ran into the light pole on the other side.  There was nothing more humiliating than looking up at the confused, bemused, and hysterical faces of the drivers and knowing that my scraped and bloody body would be the topic of their dinner conversations that night.  Bastards.  At least I was never stung.

And of course there's my inheritance or lack thereof.  Some people are passed down lovely cheekbones.  Others, supreme intelligence.  Me, I have been given the curse of clutziness.  My father couldn't walk down a sidewalk without finding a crack to stumble over.  My aunt, his sister, has a plethora of mended broken bones.  I have been given their gift of falling over absolutely nothing, breaking bones over invisible obstacles, and doing it with such a lack of grace that it would make for wonderful YouTube video.  Only once was I graceful when I fractured my ankle walking back from a city carnival eating a corn dog and soda.  I fell hard - again, over absolutely nothing - but I never spilled a drop of my coke or lost my corn dog.  In fact, I finished my meal on the way to the hospital.  Nothing messes with Bri when she's eating carny food.

So my dear friends, next time I'm with you and a moth flies in your ear, I'll probably be laughing my ass off and not because you have a bug crawling into your brain via your ear canal but because I'd be going crazy if it were in my ear.  I'll be sure to help you out and pull out my tweezers and have a looksie if you want because after all, for once it's not in my ear - thank God!    

No comments: