Sunday, August 21, 2011

Oh yes...yesterday.

Somewhere along life's path something has happened to my body.  I've known for some time that eating large amounts of ice cream or drinking tall glasses of non-fat milk with dinner doesn't always make me feel particularly good afterwards.  That's ok.  I've never been a big ice cream fan and over the years I've gradually traded in my glasses of milk with calcium supplements.  To be honest with you, I've never given it much thought as to what it does to my system.  It's been such a minor inconvenience it hasn't really even crossed my mind until yesterday.  Oh yes...yesterday.

I love Fruit Loops cereal.  I simply adore those little fruity loops. I've purchased this cereal over the years for the boys without being tempted to eat bowls of it myself.  Eating it has always been a kid thing.  Sometimes, I'll take a handful of the dry fruity loops and munch them but I haven't eaten them anymore as a breakfast staple until...yesterday.  Eric and Austy sat down at the table while I was enjoying a couple pieces of toast and the very sight of it in their bowls made my mouth water.  It was Pavlovian in nature.  Somewhere, in some General Mills laboratory, someone was ringing the Breezy bell causing me to salivate, find a cereal bowl, pour a ridiculous amount of the fruity loops, and drown them in 2% milk (to me, who grew up on fat free milk, this tastes more like cream).

I devoured it.  When there where no loops and only milk remaining, I poured more cereal in my bowl because, God forbid, I should have to slurp the cream plain.  BURP (excuse me).  Finished.  Up I went to rinse my bowl.  I had so many things I wanted to do before we left for family night at the Denver Zoo.  (One night every summer, Eric's employer hosts a private party at a large Denver venue for its employees and their families.)  So off I went, picking up here and there, doing this and that, and then it happened...the first awful cramp.  Ouch!  The sweats.  Oh my gosh, I'm having hot flashes

"Are, you ok Bri?  You're dripping with sweat."

"I'll be ok.  I think I just need to lie down.  I'm not feeling so good."

For the next four hours I crawled from my bed to my bathroom.  The sounds which came from my abode were non-stop and grew in intensity and violence.  There were times I could hear laughter throughout the house due the commotion I was making.  The dogs wouldn't even stay with me.  I was truly terrifying.  The air above the bed was so stagnant and rotten that when I would stand and start to move to the restroom, I would become dizzy and sick.  I wasn't sure whether I should vomit or otherwise.

In this awfulness I had time to consider my dilemma.  Yes, it was true.  Somewhere along life's timeline I had developed Lactose Intolerance.  How wicked.  Yet, I had become immune to King Soopers/City Market Grade A Ultra Pasteurized Fat Free Half & Half???  How does this happen?  I pour practically a cup of this in my coffee bowl every morning and have never succumb to this horrible infliction.  Yes, that must be it.  I have become immune to my Non-Fat Half & Half.  Oh the irony!
So after dosing myself with anti-gas medication (which didn't help in the slightest), the Potts family took their chances and went to the Denver Zoo.  All I can say is thank goodness it wasn't the museum this year.  At least I could walk into the rhinoceros house and contribute my curse without much notice - though at one point - I swore I saw the rhino's eyes rolling up into the top of his head.


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