Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Really, is this the path I chose?

"Hey Mom, I'm hungry!"

Really?  I know I signed up for this but really?  This is my time.  It's not my fault Austynn felt compelled to get up an hour and a half earlier this morning. 

"Umm...Sorry dude.  It's not breakfast time yet, you're going to have to wait a little longer." 

Some mornings I just want to crawl back into bed and pretend it's all a dream.  Am I really a homemaker in a Denver suburb typing away at a laptop while two finches are squawking away behind me?  What happened to my goal of going to journalism school, living in a loft in some big city, and being independent?  Did I ever really believe I could obtain it?  I didn't think so at the time so instead I allowed a long haired, chain smoking pagan dude with blue eyes and a sweet smile to enter my life.  I knew what I was doing.  I was terrified of failing so I chose another path.

I'm not saying my other choice was wrong.  All paths lead to where we are now; however, I would prefer to finish my coffee at my own leisure this morning then dealing with frozen waffles covered with bananas and syrup. 

My ex-husband and I were obviously not soul mates.  We both know that now.  We lived together for a few years and then I pushed the marriage ticket.  In his mind, and he said this out loud (clue #1, Bri!), it was just a piece of paper.  Why did I do this?  I figured it was time.  D'oh slap!!!  Not only did I insist that we get married but we had a big, beautiful wedding in a Catholic church.  With Jeff and his best men all wearing pentagrams and Wiccan charms under their tuxedos, I'm surprised the church didn't explode in fire and brimstone.

I was eternally lonely married to Jeff as I'm sure he was to me.  There was no communication, no connection.  He was absorbed with his pagan rituals and gaming friends and as long as we lived in California, I at least had my friends and family to spend time with.  When we had an opportunity to move to Colorado (for reasons I will not go into), he soon made new gaming friends and seemed to acclimate quickly into the local Wiccan community.  I, on the other hand, receded deeper into myself.   It would still be years into my marriage with Eric before my bi-polar and depression would be diagnosed.  I had no one to confide my sadness to.  When I wrote home everything was sunshine and daffodils.  There was no need to tell my parents we were selling plasma twice a week.  Why worry them that we were walking to work in sub zero temperatures in light weight clothes because we weren't prepared for the harsh Colorado winter and our car had broken down.  This was my rock bottom.

There were so many days I wanted to die.  I would sit on the back porch in the cold winter winds and wait to fall asleep.  Ironically, there was always a tug at my heart string that either woke me up or kept me from closing my eyes.  Something told me it would get better.  To hang on.  That my life wasn't over yet and I needed to make the best of things.

Even though you know that someone doesn't love you, to actually hear them say it, "Bri, I don't love you", can be the most devastating and demoralizing words of a lifetime.  Everyone wants to be loved, even if its not to be "in love" but to be loved.  My small, fragile world shattered.  I can't truly recall what happened from day to day, moment to moment going forward.  I remember there were other women, nasty words, glass throwing, tears...and then, it was over.  In a way, he did me a tremendous favor.  He let me go.

So here I am today.  Sitting at my laptop, having just fed and dropped off Austy to school (by the way, I changed my mind about the waffles, Toaster Strudels this morning and a banana).  My trusty dog and companion, Tank is laying by my feet and waiting patiently for me to feed him.  And Eric, if I had taken that different road, if I had gone to journalism school, if I hadn't married Jeff and Eric wasn't there to wipe away my tears and hold me up...what then?  How much would I have missed?  Far too much.

If I had a choice to live through the sadness all over again, I would.  Those tugs at my heart strings were obviously very powerful.  God didn't pull down the church in fire and brimstone for a reason.  He had something else planned for me.  He had a very special man and two little boys who require my love and attention far more than my depression and the cold winter winds of Colorado needed to take me.

I'm here of my own free will. I don't want to be anywhere else, except for maybe on a big bed (oooh), on a beach (ahhh), with a pot of coffee by my side (oh my gosh!!)...I guess I'll warm up my coffee now and finish it at my own leisure.

Pismo Beach 2005
William, Eric, and Austynn
My three loves





Anonymous said...

I was that Best Man.

And you are probably right. I probably was wearing a pentagram that day.

My path has led me away from Paganism. I have settled on agnosticism.

I am sorry if it offended you that I was of a different belief system.


Bri Potts said...

You didn't offend me, Robert. I was intrigued by Jeff and his beliefs. If not, I would never had dated him. I thought the contradiction was actually interesting. *hugs*