Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Gobstoppers Hurt!

I have a problem.  Well, I have lots of problems and I seem to ramble on about them every day but one in particular is about my love for all things sweet.  I can go for awhile without candy and sugar but when the need arises it hits me like a ton of Willy Wonka Gobstoppers from the sky.


Walmart is a particularly threatening place for me especially when I'm suffering from this low sugar lull.  You see, this mega store maintains bins of $1.00 boxes of my favorite brands and usually these crates are located right in front of the check-out line when I'm in a desperate hurry to get-in, get-out, and get-by without being tempted to purchase anything else I don't need.  Darn those marketing people!  They see me coming and know they've netted another sucker.

Yum!  Mike and Ike, Sour Patch Kids, Bottle Caps, M&Ms -  they're all sitting there calling my name and they're not the small boxes either.  No.  They're the large, economy boxes which can last me at least a couple of hours if I'm conservative and don't pour the candy down my throat.  They're just a dollar!  What to do?  What to do?

"Mom!"  Drat!  I forgot the kids are with me..."Can we have a box too?"

"Yes, yes but you can't take it to school."

"I want Junior Mints." Good. I hate Junior Mints.  I won't snake any of his candy when he's not looking.

"I want Bottle Caps."  Uh Oh.

"Are you sure, William?  I thought you liked Junior Mints, too?"  Shoot.  I can't possibly buy the same candy and there are too many opportunities for him to break into my box when I'm not looking.  Am I really having these thoughts while standing over the Walmart candy bin?  How pathetic!

"Yeah, They don't put as much candy in the chocolate boxes."  Good point, my son is a genius.

"Ok, I'll switch to Sour Patch Kids."  Darn it, William!  Did you have to say that out loud in front of Austynn?  I love Sour Patch Kids.

Now I have to make a another decision.  Oooh, Spree!  The only box I see.  Yum!  They're mine.  Nobody touch them!  Hands off suckers!!

We head to the check out counter.  A cartridge of much needed red printer ink and 3 boxes of oversized candy one of which is already opened.  Guess who's?  Yep, mine. 

"Mom, can we open ours now too?'

"No.  You have to go to school in a half hour and besides it's only 9:30am in the morning."

"Then why do you get to eat yours now?'

"Because I'm your mother, I'm paying for it, and this is my breakfast."

"Well, technically you're not paying for it.  Dad is."

I pass Austynn a look which says, "If you continue this line of conversation, not only will I take your Sour Patch candy but I will eat it in front of you before you get to school."

By the time I drop the boys off and sign them in for being tardy from their dentist appointment (Yes, what a fine example I teach.  Whatever. They had no cavities.), I had completed my entire box of sour, crunchy candy.  Normally, I tend to save some and split it out over several days but Austynn's comment about my technically not buying the candy touched a nerve - probably the one on my front right molar. 

If any of you, my dear friends and readers, have an affinity towards sour candy - you probably understand where this paragraph is heading.  First of all, never, ever eat large amounts of sour candy in one sitting, especially not in less than one hour.  A mouth can only absorb so much citric acid before it starts swelling up like a balloon.  I could not swallow or talk for at least three hours after my candy inhalation.  There's nothing more embarrassing than to explain why I - a grown woman - was drooling all over herself.   Secondly, my mouth aches from where I bit the inside of my lip and cheeks from the numbness.  Not a pleasant experience.  And finally, I still can't taste anything.  Total bummer! 

So yesterday I was a dumb ass.  Those Gobstoppers whacked me on the head and did some serious brain damage.  No more hard or sour candy for me.  I believe it's time to move on.  Time to walk past the Walmart candy bins and act like a grown up.  Next time I'll buy chocolate instead.  

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