Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Notoriously Inappropriate Halloween Party of '09

Another day, another ramble...before I begin with anything of real substance, I am going absolutely nuts with my laptop.  I don't know what the heck is wrong with it but it's acting very peculiar lately.  Is it a virus?  It could be.  It's moving particularly slow and it's beyond frustrating.  Anything which moves slower than my typing is extremely serious in my opinion.  I must ask Eric if he's been checking out boobie sites.  Our sixteen year old did attempt it years ago but he now has his own computer to demolish so, well - I have nothing more to say about that. 

Moving on...

Since Halloween is just a few days away I promised you, my dear friends and readers, that I would share a story which happened a few years ago in an attempt to be humorous at a neighbor's Halloween party. 

Eric and I have somewhat strange and twisted senses of humor.  I'm not proud of this and often times it has gotten us into a lot of trouble.  My humor is more slap stick.  You know, the pie in the face, whoopee cushion, bodily function kind of stuff which at 44 years of age I really should have grown out of by now.  Sadly, I have not.  Eric, on the other hand, grew up in a house where bawdy, sexual humor was funny which of course shocked this modest girl to her core.  Remember, I was raised in a house where I couldn't discuss my menstrual cycle much less find out how babies were conceived.  This made things extremely confusing when I was 12 years old and my mother gave birth to my younger brother.  Imagine my shock and dismay when my friends showed me with a Ken and Barbie doll what my parents did to create such a screaming, pooping monster.  Ken's bump never did make a lot of sense though.  I digress.

Eric had this grand idea to go the party as "swingers".  Hmmm, you does a couple do this?  Oh, simple.  Hire out two exotic dancers, male and female, as our dates.  Our "dates" were then  instructed to be very hands on (so to speak).  They were to hang on us and appreciate us.  On my behalf, I didn't mind at all because my dude was actually extremely good looking.  Usually these guys aren't straight; however, mine was and very, very nice. Eric's date looked more like a hooker so I kind of enjoyed watching him be a wee bit uncomfortable since this was his idea after all.

I had a very sneaky suspicion that this would not go over well in my somewhat conservative neighborhood and I was worried.  No, petrified.  So, I did what Breezy does so well to gain a foothold on my nerves, I drank. Charlie (my date), Eric's date, and I took a shot of Tequila before we left; however, I must clarify that my shot was more like a triple.  A very big triple.  Charlie watched me with a bemused look on his face and I'm sure wondered what he had gotten himself into.

We were ready.  Off we went.  A mere walk around the block, five or six houses around the corner and my date with his gorgeous, bulging muscles, ended up carrying his half-slushed, fluffy date who could not remember his name to save her life.

"Charles, may I call you that?"


"Thanks, Chuck."

"You're a nice guy, Chuckie.  Why do you dance nucked other than the fact that you have a beautiful body?" And so on and so forth until we reached the door with him holding me up by my shoulders.

Oh, Eric.  Why did my husband feel that this was a good idea?  I still blush at the memory.  The shocked looks we received when we entered the room.  Plus he had me order ridiculous buttons that said, "I'm a swinger!" to hand out to our friends.  Oh the shame!!

Charlie played his part beautifully.  He flirted with me, nuzzled my ear, fondled my butt, tried to hold me up, and when the nasty music started, his dancing and undressing was directed towards me and my gal pals who were totally up for it - only two by the way. The rest of my friends and neighbors were standing aghast against the kitchen sink as Charlie shook his thing-a-ma-bob in my face and started a very impressive lap dance between my breasts. 

Eric's date wasn't nearly as interesting.  In fact, I was in such a drunken state that I hardly noticed Eric was jealous.  What a hoot.  Charlie was doing as he was instructed and Eric was jealous!  I loved it.  Unfortunately, Eric wasn't the only man upset in the room.  Within moments, the music was stopped by one of the party hosts (the other host, my gal pal, was thoroughly enjoying Charlie), and our "dates" were asked to leave.

And there it is.  The notoriously inappropriate Halloween party.  This Saturday is another big party at the same house.  I tend to be a little more conservative with my costumes yet Eric and I are still known to go a wee bit overboard.  This year, my husband is trying to convince me to be a little more risque than this modest chica would normally be.  What?  Does he really want to get jealous again?  Eric, on the other hand...I can only shake my head and say - he is a nasty, nasty man.   

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