Tuesday, November 29, 2011

If I were a celebrity...

I was thinking about being a high paid celebrity the other day and instead found myself being truly grateful that my life is normal.  This is going to be an odd blog but it's on my mind so here I go... 

Yes, it would be lovely to walk into a spa, one of my favorite destinations in all the world, and not worry about the amount of money that I'm spending on my treatments.  To wander in, know that my appointments have been made, money is not an option, and not have to squirm about the awkward, she gave me a fantastic massage but I only have enough money for the 15% not 20% gratuity situation.  This would be a dream come true.   

Also, I would be the last paranoid passenger to board a plane and the first to disembark.  I would always sit in first class in those big, cushy, overstuffed leather seats and never, ever sit beside someone better looking than myself (refer to my prior blog about my fear of flying).  Why deal with this concern if I can pay to have it avoided?  As an extra added bonus, I would be that much closer to a bathroom and no one would judge me when I pulled out my handy dandy little prescription bottle of Valium or asked the stewardess for a shot of whiskey to swallow it down it with.

I would have an amazing  wardrobe; tailored, beautiful clothes that fit me comfortably.  No more sifting through my shirts picking through the ones with small holes chewed into the fabric by the House Troll or scrutinizing carefully for grease stains I didn't pre-treat on laundry day.  When my imported fabric purse develops a hole inside, I won't cling to it and make futile attempts to sew it myself.  I'd simply ask my assistant to purchase a new one.  Oh bliss.  And for the first time in my life I would have matching undergarments.  Perhaps black lace bra and panties...?

Ok, someone slap me please!  I started day dreaming and got a little carried away.  First of all, the spa.  It would be just my luck as a big name celebrity that I would make an ass out of myself in there and the story would make it to TMZ or something.  I could see the headline now: BRI POTTS SLIPS IN STEAM ROOM, SPA HORRIFIED.  I'd end up with a black eye, missing tooth, and on the cover of the next day's gossip magazines.  Yes, that would be a very likely scenario.

Being a celebrity wouldn't make flying any easier either.  In some ways, it would make things that much more difficult.  For instance, my panic attacks.  At least now when I start hyperventilating I can do it in somewhat obscurity.  People don't know me.  They just think I'm the crazy lady in the back row screaming because the plane is bumping around a bit.  If I were someone like Julia Roberts everyone would stop what they were doing and bring out their video cameras.  I'd be on live television comparable to the day OJ Simpson was being chased on LA freeways in his white Ford Bronco.  No.  In this case too, I'm glad I am a non-celebrity.

And finally, my wardrobe.  Yes, just once I would love to find a shirt in my closet without some sort of issue be it stain, hole, or too much cleavage exposure; however, I live in Colorado and there are more cool days than warm.  Thank goodness for sweatshirts.  And seriously, I'm not a dress-up kind o' gal anyway.  Jeans and boots.  That's my comfort level.  Oh, and the black lace bra and panties...??  I'll let you continue to wonder if that's my style or not.   After all, there are just some things a girl should keep a mystery...

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