Saturday, November 19, 2011

Nothing like a little 3:00am melodrama...

Don't try to be melodramatic, Bri. Just write.  Find my words, find my voice.  What is it that I'm trying to say?  What is it that's haunting my night keeping me awake these endless hours?  Normally by now I would be sound asleep. Not tonight.  It's 3:00am and even with several sleeping pills in my system, I'm distracted by these thoughts of sadness and desperation...

I went out with a friend tonight.  Strike that, I didn't go out...the possibility of who I could be went out.  A somewhat feisty, independent, still vital and desperately seeking something more out of life side of me went out.  We'll call her, Maria.  She and I are the same after all.  My birth sake, Maria, went out with a friend and when they drove away from her lovely, Denver suburban home she suddenly felt alive.  For two hours she felt more air in her lungs than she's felt in the last three months.  Only two hours?  Just a little bit longer?  Dancing?  Karaoke?  Sit on a hilltop and talk?  Just don't take her back there please...she can't, I can't....breathe.

I stood in front of the mirror tonight brushing my hair.  It's losing the thick lustre it had years ago.  The grey that I joke about coming in disturbs me more than I let on.  I'm starting to fade.  It makes me desperate, there's that word again - desperate - to scream before - God forbid, I can't manage to find the breath to scream any longer.  My life is dissolving into oblivion.

I have this small window.  It's just tiny enough to stick my head through sideways and inhale.  If I don't take this opportunity to swallow up some passion, some lust for life, to abandon futility in the hope of rediscovery, I feel as though I'm going to be smothered out like a candle under glass.  I've waited my entire life for this moment, it's time to blaze hot, fiery hot.  To leave an indelible scorch mark upon this Earth. 

Where do I begin?  I put the brush down, stick my head out the tiny window, and breathe.

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