Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Let it be.

Good morning.  I'm still here.  That's positive.  I had a pretty rough night last evening.  It's been over a week and a half since I've been on my bi-polar medications and the severity of the situation came to a hilt after dinner.
Why, you ask, have I stopped my meds?  Good question - fair question.  In one of last week's blogs I made a quick reference to a pregnancy scare.  At the time, I determined that my cocktail of crazy meds would make for a crazy baby so I made a hasty decision to stop until I knew what my maternity outcome was.  Now, some nine days later, because my life has become extremely discombobulated (most likely because I'm off the meds), I can't seem to get organized.  I'll look at the clock at 9:00am and suddenly, I'll glance again, it's 2:00pm, I haven't showered, and I'm 10 minutes late for an appointment.  Sadly, I can't account for the time in between.  Nothing gets accomplished including taking my medication.  Dishes are piling up, the dogs are left unfed, and I find myself wandering from room to room confused as to what brought me there to begin with.

So last night I wept.  I wept until my nose bled and I wanted to vomit.  My anxiety attack became so violent that the only thing my dear husband could do was to bring me my Valium and wait for its calming affect to take hold.  Afterwards, he hid the bottle.  That's where we are now.  Eric hides my prescriptions when the darkness takes hold of me.  He didn't leave my side.  He was there looking at me when my eyes, swollen and puffy, opened this morning.

"How are you feeling?"  All I could manage was a weak smile.

Today I face the daunting challenge of visiting my psychiatrist.  He'll slap my hands and tell me I've misbehaved.  Lovely.  He'll be grumpy and surly like an overbearing parent telling me that stopping my meds cold turkey was the wrong thing to do.  I love it when doctors must reiterate the obvious.  Medical physicians who tell me I'm overweight and unhealthy when I tip the scale at 200 pounds.  OB GYNs who comment how large my breasts are during an exam.  Really?  I've never noticed.  Assholes.
Plan of action:
  • Have another cup of coffee and some toast with peanut butter (creamy, Jif brand always). 
  • Kiss my husband who's working from home today and thank him for taking care of me once again.
  • Feed the dogs before they break into the groceries I didn't put away from yesterday (if they haven't already).
  • Hot bubble bath.  I smell like something died.
  • Figure out what financial ruin I caused at the grocery store (once again, I went way over budget).
  • See my psychiatrist.  Bastard.
  • Inhale, exhale, and relax.  Yes, Austynn had a another meltdown at school yesterday.  Nothing new.
  • Forgive myself for being human, forgive my friend for hurting me, and move on with my life.
  • Realize that I have very little control over what happens from day to day.
  • And finally, allow my favorite Beatles' mantra to ride on this morning's shoulders...let it be. 



1 comment:

Margaret said...

Thank you Eric for being there. Hugs to you my friend.... there is some good in every single day. You have to find it! (I know you.... and I know that you can conquer this!!)