Saturday, February 25, 2012

Today's complaint? It's a doozy! Hold on to your intestines...

I have issues.  No, really?  Bri has issues?  Tell me a day when I don't have something to whine about?  Well since yesterday's blog about my odd sense of humor, I might as well type about it in a second installment, so to speak; HOWEVER, it's early and as my Bestie (best friend) has pleaded with me in the past - I am giving her and all of you, my dear friends and blog readers, advanced warning: swallow your coffee. 

For me there is nothing worse than having a perfectly lovely meal and experiencing the horrifying gastric sounds which follow soon afterwards.  Based on the level of intensity and the nature of the belly howls, I can sometimes determine how many minutes - or sometimes, literally seconds - I have to find a toilet.  This pisses me off both literally and figuratively. 

First of all, if I'm out and about, I usually spend some damn good money on a meal.  I'm thinkin', why not let my body enjoy it for a little while?  Why must my septic system feel the need to discard it so quickly?  Seriously, what a waste of a $30 dinner.  Also, I've mentioned before how in my youth I was mortified to use a public restroom.  Well, I had to get over this discomfort rather expeditiously and not only did I need to get over it but I had to deal with the embarrassment of the horrifying smells and explosive sounds my intestines make when they determine that the $30 meal was not up to their fussy standards.

Secondly, if I spend the time to prepare the food, it makes me seriously reconsider the effort.  Instead of the five hour Bolognese sauce simmering on the stove top, perhaps I should just go the cheap canned, generic route.  Hell, my boys wouldn't notice.  In the time it takes me to unscrew the lid, heat up the nasty, crappy sauce in the microwave, and pour it into their bowls, they would be done with it.  "Thanks for dinner, Mom.  It was good."  Ok, whatever.  I'll just have a banana.  At least it won't sting my ass on the way out.

"Oh my", the pre-med students out there are thinking, "there's something wrong with Breezy.  She needs to see her doctor.  Have a Colonoscopy.  Get checked out."  You're all very sweet.  Thanks for your concern.  Been there, done that.  I'm good.  It's the plethora of medication I take, that's all.  In a way, it's the easiest weight loss regimen out there.  Ooh, pizza...yum!  Ten minutes later...bye-bye pizza.  I'm not condoning the method, I'm obviously annoyed; however, it's what it is.  There's not a lot I can do about it and there's no way in Hell I'm going in for another Colonoscopy.  I had that "oscopy" and I'm over it. 

By the way, for the record, for those of you who need the procedure - have it done.  Please GO!  For my problem, my doc needed a series of "samples" before I went in.  This was what traumatized me.  The whole I-have-to-collect-fresh-poop-on-a-Popsicle-stick-thing-and-store-it-in-a-plastic-jar situation was not to be borne.  I still have recurring nightmares from this experience.  Good grief.  Yes it was poop, yes it was my personal specimen but I had to collect it and walk into the doc's office carrying it around in a brown paper bag.  Oh, sweet God in Heaven!!

Ok, so why am I writing about this now?  Why does today's blog have to go into explicit detail about my fussy intestines.  Because every morning I have an enormous bowl of "candy bar in a cup" (aka, my personalized coffee concoction).  Because once I consume the last gulp of my morning Joe, I have precisely five minutes before my dogs are frightened awake by my stomach's horrific growls.  Because, I am now at three minutes past coffee consumption and Tank is cowering between my legs and Tulip is upstairs hiding.  Yes, it's almost time.  Dammit, what a waste of a perfectly delicious cup of coffee!

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