Sunday, April 22, 2012

It's closing time.

"Closing time.  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." 

This is one of my favorite lyrics sung by the band, Maroon 5.  Oddly enough, this weekend they ring sadly true as I've ended a friendship which I'd hope would never end.

I don't end things well, I never have.  As most of you have guessed, I'm extremely dramatic.  I wallow in the should of's, could of's, would of's until my brain is ready to self-destruct.  I played a huge role in the "why" this particular relationship imploded.  I broke an established "rule" for which I apologized, again because Lord knows it wasn't the first time I crossed the line.  I was foolish and goodness - doesn't that sound like me?

Without going into detail as to what was said, I carry a huge amount of self-doubt.  I've been working on my self-esteem for a long, long time.  My history and past relationships have done a number on me.  It doesn't take much for the "ugly voices" to come out and play.  One problem, one comment can send me into a spiral of self-loathing.  Last Thursday, a text was made, unintentionally - but it was a stinger.  I responded with a stinger.  Then, I was betrayed.

Betrayal is the final straw.  This is the point in my life when I close the door and turn the key.  Sadly, I've already lived through this with friends from my past.  I ignored their circling by whispering to others what I'd done; "Can you believe Bri did this and that?"  They destroyed more than just our friendship over it.  It took me years to repair the damage done to the other loved ones in my life.

Yes, I screwed up, but dammit, someone circled my back yet again.  This is a huge betrayal of my trust.  I'll have a chat with the person contacted and explain what led to the end of this other friendship. At this point, they don't want to know the details but it will have to come out eventually.  One day, when things settle down, we'll have this chat because after all, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."