Monday, April 30, 2012

Someone stop spinning the Lazy Susan, I wanna get off!

I still haven't found my reading-writing-what-the Hell-am-I-doing glasses.  This disturbs me on so many levels.  I'm farsighted so when it comes to working on something up close, for instance, computer work, I tend to squint and therefore require a bottle of Tylenol by my side throughout the day.  Back-up glasses?  They would be great too if I remembered where I stored them (and, I have two pair).  They should be some place logical.  Not so.  Logic left me three weeks ago Tuesday.  Why then?  I can't be certain.  That's the day (if I'm seeing it correctly) the word, "LOGIC" is circled in red ink next to a big question mark on my calendar.

As of late, things have been slightly amiss in my life.  Now, I'm not complaining.  No, not at all.  I don't want to tick off the great Karma gods that be.  I'm just curious as to why things are not lining up neatly.  I'm the kind of gal who likes my fork and knife just so on a dinner table.  Do you, my dear friends and blog readers, know what I mean?  The salt and pepper shakers must be in the same location and my bottle of cold water within reach.  This is not happening for me.  I'm sitting at a table with a Lazy Susan, all helter skelter, spinning out of control.  Eeek Gads!  
Lazy Susan

Eric, my dear one, the love of my life, my husband and advisor of most things practical, would say, "Is your monthly cycle about to start?"  Why, after as many years as he's known me and through as many horrifying months as he's encountered Banshee, is he willing to ask such a silly question?  God bless his gonads!  The fact that he still has them shows the incredible patience and depth of love I have for him.

Banshee, having just arrived this morning, is merely a coincidence.  (Eric was extremely lucky he was at work when he asked his routinely ill-timed question and laughed at my response).  I'm strung out on chocolate, Tylenol, salt, and water retention.  I'm perimenopausal and sweating to death in a house with every window open and the thermostat registered at 63 degrees.  I have dry mouth, indigestion from Fritos smothered in melted cheese and leftover coffee from yesterday (...or should I say chocolate syrup with a bit of leftover coffee from yesterday...), and embarrassing gas from too much Tylenol.  At least I've taken a bath.

Is this normal?  Am I going crazy?  Where are my glasses?  What's wrong with me?  Eric has ticked me off for the last time with that damned Banshee question!  To Hell with the Karma gods.  They're all against me anyway.  I'm 45!  I'm too old for this nonsense.  Someone stop spinning that Lazy Susan!  Who invented those damned things anyway!?