Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Forward March!

Here I go!  There's no turning back now.  I've got the bug.  I stood in front of an audience and for better or worse, I got a taste of making an ass out of myself.

Last night I went to an open mike amateur night at a Denver lounge.  The show started at midnight and it's hailed as one of the toughest crowds in town.  Whoever wrote this review wasn't foolin' around.  I went because I wanted to see what it was about.  Knowing it's a rough show and I'd like to get into stand-up, I thought I should scope it out first.  Absolute craziness.

First of all, I'm a dork.  I'm a middle-age housewife from the 'burbs.  What was I thinking?!  I walked into the bar looking extremely frumpy in my $5 Walmart sweater and cowboy boots.  Right off the bat, a woman approached me and told me my partner, a neighbor and older friend who came with me, looked extremely sexy.  Nice.  Where the Hell was my compliment?  I couldn't even turn-on an old lesbian.  It was going to be a ball buster of a night which is always amusing when one has no balls to begin with. 

Everyone else in the place looked like they were too young to be there.  The girls' dresses were so high I swore I could see pubic hair and so low I looked away to avoid pending wardrobe malfunctions; however, I must admit that the old lesbian was quite focused.  If I'm not mistaken, the young "ladies" had pretty little stencils painted on their faces like they'd been to some sort of street carnival beforehand.  It must be some new fad.  Whatever.  I thought it was totally goofie but then again I wore feathers in my day...oh, wait that's back in style now.  Oops, so sorry.

After I ordered a mixed drink and being extremely impressed that the dude knew how to make it since it wasn't a beer, I started thinking, "Really, how hard can standing up in front of a bunch of drunken, rude kids be?"  I should have thought that through a little clearer but by this point the Vodka had already settled into my upper front cortex.

Fortunately for me, it was amateur night.  AND, other than one or two guys, everyone else who attempted humor before me didn't fair too well.  AND, really - what did I have to lose?  Just my dignity.  I couldn't do any worse than these other fools?  Could I?  Not in my Vodka addled non-reasoning brain I couldn't.  So, I did it. I made the jump out of the plane without the proverbial parachute; either land on my feet or die trying.

I didn't have any huge guffaws but I didn't have any hisses or boos either.  No tomatoes were thrown.  I made eye contact.  I had some audience participation.  I had some applause.  AND I found the bug.  I am now an amateur; an amateur hoping to one day get paid to make a total ass out of myself.  I've been doing it for years.  I can only improve with time.