Wednesday, October 17, 2012

"I yam what I yam" oddball!

I was asked recently to share my toe nail story.  What toe nail story?  You see, my dear friends and blog readers, as perverted as this may sound, I have far too many of these disgusting and silly stories  in my memory bank to draw upon.  Next to flatulence, this is my second favorite gross out topic.  I had to literally ask my friend to remind me which one he wanted me to write about.  Ohhh, thaaaat one.  Ok then, request accepted.

Now before I begin, I will preface that this isn't what prompted my divorce from my ex-husband, Jeff.  No, not at all.  This particular incident occurred before our nuptials.  He was fully aware of my strange sense of humor before we exchanged vows.  In fact, most of my boyfriends have always seemed drawn to my oddball personality for one reason or another.  "I yam what I yam", to quote Popeye the Sailor Man; however, never open a can of spinach anywhere near me or I'll run screaming into the night.

I used to tease Jeff incessantly about his "petrified" toenails; or in other words, his "toe claws" which he never seemed to trim.  Every night, as a gesture of affection (which for me was an excruciating instant of torture), my dear one would slide his big toe up the soft sole of my foot.  This moment of endearment would drive me to distraction and at times, depending on how sharp his nail happened to be, would send me flying out of bed.  No matter how many times I implored that he refrain from doing this, he inevitably would forget and once again the claw would find its prey and send me shooting skywards.

Finally, I had had enough.  There needed to be a serious teaching moment; a claw for a claw - so to speak.  One night, as Jeff settled himself comfortably under the comforter and with the stealth of a Ninja, I gave him the same gesture of affection which he'd been showing me for months.  The shriek which rattled his side of the bed was outstanding.  The light was roughly turned on.  Jeff sat up, reached for his glasses, and then glared at me with his beautiful, steely blue eyes.   Then, he immediately burst into uproarious laughter.  There, in the light - in all its horrifying glory - was my big toe, trimmed to a point and filed into a talon for added sharpness. From that night forward, there were no more claws of affection sliding up the soft sole of my foot.  Lesson learned.