Thursday, October 11, 2012

Nothing is stopping me but do I know my Act of Contrition?

Fear is an awful thing isn't it?  I've written about this before but it's been on my mind lately so what the Hell, I'll do a little rambling this morning and make myself feel better.  I apologize if this topic seems redundant.
I hate flying in airplanes; the idea of being out of control and plummeting to the earth doesn't sound appealing to me whatsoever.  The notion that I'd have time to consider what's happening during that fateful plunge, holy crap!  Just thinking about it makes me want to pee my pants.  I suppose I'd have a few seconds to make a good Act of Contrition which is what we Catholics consider a formal apology to God.  With my luck, I'd forget the prayer, cuss like a sailor going down, and have that many more sins on my soul to do Penance in Purgatory (which is sort of like a "clearing house" between Heaven and Hell to wipe out our sins before we're allowed to go through the pearly gates).

I despise going to formal parties especially when I don't know anyone.  I'm expected to be on my best behavior and this always backfires dreadfully.  My nerves get the best of me and I become a naughty monster.  I start talking out of control, if there are straws - inevitably spit wads start flying, and socially acceptable conversations?  Faaaahhhget about it!  I tend to go home dreadfully ashamed of myself.  Eric, my husband, seems proud and loving of my behavior; however, I'm mortified beyond belief.  I relive every conversation and silly lampshade dance move and cringe with horror.  Did I really do that?  Oh my God!  Just shoot me!  I'm such an asshole!!  Amazingly, I survive to laugh and write about it another day.

Trying new things is terrifying; putting myself out there, setting myself up for possible ridicule or failure.  I've attempted new projects this past year and by this I mean big-life-changing-placing-myself-in-front-of-audience ideas.  This is huge for me.  I'm a gal who once shook so terribly in front of her high school drama teacher, I couldn't sing two lines of a song.  Today, years later, I've stood in front of strangers with comedy routines and now I'm ready to approach local venues for one-woman open panel adult humor shows.  I have to do this, because if I don't - I'll always wonder, what if?

So, here I go.  Nothing is stopping me except for the fear of failure.  What if I do fail?  At least I will have tried.  I didn't stay at home and come up with lots of ideas and dreams which I never had the nerve to attempt.  At least I'll say, Did I really do that?  Oh my God!  Just shoot me!  I'm such an asshole!!

Hopefully, I'll survive to laugh and write about it another day.