Monday, June 3, 2013

A Mid-West Adventure

I was asked today to write a blog about my recent road trip across the great mid-west of the United States.  To be honest with you, my dear friends and blog readers, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.  As many of you know, I've taken a very long sabbatical from my writing.  I can't explain exactly why.  Perhaps I'm disappointed with how things have turned out as of late.  I'm feeling like a stale, middle-aged house wife with a turkey gobble hanging from my neck and two teenagers who've become quite adept at eating, sleeping, and ignoring my requests to chew with their mouths closed. 

The only laughs I received during stand up comedy last summer was when I threatened to undress or complained that I was mistaken for the dowdy half of a lesbian couple.  As I started rethinking my direction on stage, life threw me a couple of curve balls in the form of an angry sixteen year old facing felony counts of menacing with an axe and later my falling down a staircase only to break three bones in my ankle.

So here I am again; attempting to find my path.  Six Degrees of Separation.  It's happening - I hope.  I've made a phone call and this phone call has hopefully led to a lunch meeting and this lunch meeting has hopefully led to a celebrity contact, sponsorship, or at least another important connection.  I'm focusing positive energy on what I can do and who I am.  But I digress, I've been asked to tell a story and a story teller I am.  I'll honor my friend's request; however, I'm warning you readers...I may have to water it down because I know I have some kiddos under the age of 21 who peruse my posts from time to time. 

And so I begin...

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to help a friend drive her daughter from here - Denver, Colorado - to Michigan Technical University.  This school is approximately 1200 miles away and near the Canadian border.  Needless to say, I was unprepared - but knowing my friend Cindy - she would attempt that drive back on her own. This scared the Hell out of me.  So I checked my schedule, worked it out with my husband, and hit the road with my chain smoking, say-it-like-it-is friend.

I had absolutely no expectations for this trip other than to escape my kids for a over a week and have a chance to see the mid-west.  Along the way I decided to move to Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Nebraska (and not necessarily in that order).  I've also determined that since Cindy called Cheese curds, "Cheese Turds", I decidedly did not want to try them.  Also, Beer Nuts do not taste like Beer.  Who knew?  Obviously I did not.

I'm extremely embarrassed to say dat I've developed a very funky accent, doncha know.  It's drivin' my husban loony as a jaybird an he says ifn' I don stop it, he's gunna whack me on da side o my ead but I'm thinkin' he's fullo it, silly filler!  Dose cows do look awful happy tho in Wisconsin! 

I can't be trusted to remember my purse no matter where I travel to.  Darnit all!

Two women travelin' alone can always be counted on by them there farmers to be lesbians.  Ah well, so Cindy and I made a fine, lovely couple doncha know.

Cindy shops more than I ever thought possible.  If we weren't shopping for junk food, fast food, diner food, well then dammit, she sure as Hell found found a fine pair of shoes!!

And finally, the watered down part of the story...our last well, okay.  I know that two Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey shots are all I should ever do along with a Vodka drink and that I'm a terribly naughty influence on my dear chain smoking, say-it-like-it-is, friend.  I think that's all I better say about that.