Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Oh no, the eggs!

Procrastination is a terrible thing, laziness is awful, and forgetfulness is a horrible shame.  Sadly, I'm the owner of all three. 

For the first hour and a half this morning, I allowed myself the leisure of not dealing with the fact that I'm the mother of an autistic, argumentative fifteen year old.  After he whined, snorkeled, and coughed up something I chose not to look at (which he vehemently insisted that I should), he threw the F-bomb at me with such ugliness I decided to close my bedroom door and found solace in my candy bar in a bowl (aka my special coffee concoction).  Austynn is suffering from severe allergies, which as I know most caring mothers would, tenderly administer antihistamines and overlook his blatant choice of expressing himself.  After all, he's miserable, right?  Yes, and so what?  Miserable or not, I myself am not a morning person and refuse to be screamed at before my morning caffeine is pulsating properly throughout my system.  I am also not Donna Reed who made running a household look lovely and charming on the 1950's TV show with the same name; however, I am the Everyday Rambling Lunatic Housewife and when I turn around and tell my kid he's being a jackass, well dammit - I'm comfortable with that.

Having procrastinated with my iPod ear buds tightly inserted against the evil pimpled one in the hallway, I decided to face off - for better or worse - my adolescent demon.  His older brother was now pulled into the midst of the battle.  The lines were drawn.  Hacking, snorkeling, cussing younger brother against just barely taller (which was determined last night to older brother's angst) seventeen year old extremely violent, also autistic brother.

"STOP!"  I yelled over the screaming boys (like this ever works).

"WILLIAM IS AN ASSHOLE!"  I thought, yes, this is somewhat true.  Score one for Austynn.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT AUSTYNN'S PROBLEM IS BUT HE'S AN IDIOT!"  Hmm, also true.  Very sound argument.  Idiot is a little tough though.  Idiot Savant, perhaps?

"Austynn, you're going to be late for the bus.  Please leave NOW.  We'll talk about this later, okay?  William, stay in your room and DON'T say another word until he's gone, UNDERSTOOD?"


"NOT another WORD!  Bye Austy.  Feel better."  No response as the front door slammed behind him.  Well, at least he didn't drop the f-bomb again.  That's nice.

See what procrastination gives me?  Nothing but screaming and heartburn.  I should have looked at what the kid hawked up.  It would have been better than my indigestion.

Fortunately for me, I had an "out" afterwards.  An "out", by my definition, is a way to escape and leave the garbage behind.  I had a lovely, fat filled breakfast with one of my best friends.  Nothing like eggs, bacon, french toast, and more coffee to improve my mood.  God bless carbs!  I love food.  Diets?  To Hell with them.  My mood improved dramatically; however, afterwards I couldn't move.  This is where my laziness came into play.

It's been unusually warm for Denver this time of year.  The moment I rolled my fluffy belly into the car, the first yawn settled over me.  A few moments later, another one.  It takes all of five minutes to get home from this particular restaurant and I found myself holding my head up over the steering wheel.  My eyes were crossing.  I could barely manage to stay awake.  Now this is embarrassing but I will make an admission to you, my dear friends and blog readers.  I normally have very good control over my bodily functions but today, in my extreme grogginess, I did not make it home.  Just two blocks away and I suffered a horrific incident over a speed bump in my neighborhood.  Thank GOD for pantyliners.

Too many carbs and too much coffee I suppose along with a nervous tummy from my wicked teenagers.  I blame all of these on my severe laziness this afternoon.  I slept, and I slept, then I wallowed in self-pity with a computer Bingo game (which I still can't win by the way, I'll always be a Bingo loser) and then I slept some more until my small Shih Tzu licked the drool off my face.  Eventually I decided enough was enough.  I needed to move.  Stop the pity train, time to get off.

Boil eggs, start the dishwasher, wipe down the sinks, spray the bathroom (still stinky from my earlier assault), perhaps write this blog, make a few phone calls, etc. I'm known as the queen of multitasking YET in my need to accomplish everything at once, I tend to forget what those "everythings" happen to be.  I've lost sets of house keys more times than I care to admit.  I've walked into my bedroom only to replay my steps as to why I wandered into my sanctuary to begin with.  I find myself staring blankly into the pantry knowing there was a greater reasoning outside of tearing open a bag of cookies.  Today, after I made my second call and completed the fourth paragraph of this blog, it occurred to me that I left the eggs boiling on the stove for over forty minutes.  I do believe they're done now.