Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I make the monsters

Over the weekend I was hurt by someone I admired.  It wasn't a simple act of "throwing sand at the play ground" as one of my best friends and I like to call it.  It was a full on verbal attack one which I didn't see coming and felt I didn't deserve.  It left me reeling and gasping for breath.  Not only was I harmed but my husband was pulled into it as well.  It's one thing when I'm caused pain but when they intentionally hurt Eric, I'm devastated.

I've been very open about my mental illness; my struggle with bipolar.  I've also written about my battle with weight loss over the years, my issues with self-loathing, and self-inflicted harm.  I've fought the ugly voices during my "deep darks" which shout, "I'm ugly, worthless, a whore, fat, undeserving, stupid".  I manage to slay them and look in the mirror and scream, "NO!, I'M BEAUTIFUL!"

Sunday night, the voices won. I made a nasty, bloody scar underneath one of my breasts which I haven't done for a long time.

One of my best friends told me, "He doesn't define you, Bri."  No he doesn't but my voices do when I'm vulnerable.  Some of you may have noticed that I changed my profile picture.  I was in my late teens when the picture above was taken.  I had my whole life in front of me and the voices were already beginning to shout.

Listen to the good voices, Bri.  You make the monsters, no one else.