Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I make the monsters

Over the weekend I was hurt by someone I admired.  It wasn't a simple act of "throwing sand at the play ground" as one of my best friends and I like to call it.  It was a full on verbal attack one which I didn't see coming and felt I didn't deserve.  It left me reeling and gasping for breath.  Not only was I harmed but my husband was pulled into it as well.  It's one thing when I'm caused pain but when they intentionally hurt Eric, I'm devastated.

I've been very open about my mental illness; my struggle with bipolar.  I've also written about my battle with weight loss over the years, my issues with self-loathing, and self-inflicted harm.  I've fought the ugly voices during my "deep darks" which shout, "I'm ugly, worthless, a whore, fat, undeserving, stupid".  I manage to slay them and look in the mirror and scream, "NO!, I'M BEAUTIFUL!"

Sunday night, the voices won. I made a nasty, bloody scar underneath one of my breasts which I haven't done for a long time.

One of my best friends told me, "He doesn't define you, Bri."  No he doesn't but my voices do when I'm vulnerable.  Some of you may have noticed that I changed my profile picture.  I was in my late teens when the picture above was taken.  I had my whole life in front of me and the voices were already beginning to shout.

Listen to the good voices, Bri.  You make the monsters, no one else.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Please Lord, I'm going to be selfish...

Dear God, Allah, "The Awakened One", Jehovah, Christ, 

A little over eighteen years ago I sat down and asked for some advice.  I needed words.  Normally I have plenty in stock because You have graced me with the ability to write what's in my heart.  For this, I am grateful.  On that particular morning my sister-in-law asked me to put into writing what was in her heart and I needed assistance.  Only You could have guided my fingers as I thanked an anonymous family for their gift which allowed my nephew, Lisa's newborn, to live. This unknown family lost a life; a son, a daughter, a brother, a sister - someone they loved - and yet they allowed this amazing human being to live on through the heartbeat of my three week old nephew - now a handsome eighteen year old teenager.

I don't normally like to ask for personal things and I certainly don't like posting prayers in public but this is a big one and it can use all the help it can get.  At the cost of having to write another one of those difficult letters, I'm going to be selfish.  I want to see Tommy make it another eighteen years, Lord.  I want Tommy to find a liver donor.  I want his mama to scream with joy after the transplant has been successful.  In five years or so, I want to sit at Tommy's wedding so my husband, his Godfather, can watch him with pride, shake his hand, and congratulate the man he's grown up to be.  

This morning I'm going to be selfish.  I'm asking for something personal, Lord.  In a couple of months or better yet days, please guide my fingers once more in an anonymous letter of thanks.  

**To learn about organ donation awareness, please visit: Organ Donation