Friday, May 30, 2014

Don't give Bri attitude at a water park. It's embarrassing for everyone.

It amazes me how many absolutely stupid things have happened to me in my life that I haven't already shared with you, my dear friends and blog readers. In fact, this story is so silly that I've spent the last ten minutes searching my archives to confirm this information.  Good Grief!  How could this one possibly escape me?

Just last night, my husband I were driving past the WORLD'S LARGEST WATER PARK (amazing that it's located in suburban Colorado which 99.9% of you have never heard about), and questioned Eric if he's been there with the boys.  This, of course, started up numerous tales of visits - most of them being my own - since I'm the stay at home mom.

Lovely memories of chaffed thighs, screaming children, raging sunburns, and of course my personal favorite; the crazy-fat-lady-who-refused-to-go-down-the-slide-episode. Yes indeed, I was the woman threatened with park expulsion but - as always - there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for that incident.

You see, on this particular afternoon, I was invited to go as a guest with one of my dear friends and her twelve year old niece.  Normally, when taking my own boys, I bring a towel, a large bag of chips, soda (no sun screen as that would make too much sense), and locate the shadiest spot possible where I can be found in the event of a unfortunate drowning.  Not this time.  No.  I found out rather unexpectedly that my friend does not like water slides and hoped that I would  keep up with her niece.  Ugh!

The park was fairly empty so lovely, lithe Sarah was running from location to location.  By the third slide, yes the third, I was not keeping up with Jeannie's niece. I was out of breath and exhausted.  It was also a duel slide whereas we raced down on opposite sides on rubber tubes.

Go Sarah!  She was off!  Apparently she had won before I even reached the starting point.  As I positioned my fannie in the center on the tube, something went terribly amiss. My butt was sweaty and the tube was wet. Without warning, that enormous water doughnut slid out from under my ass and flew into the bushes behind me.

Well then, that was silly!  I looked at the little girl waiting patiently behind me and said, "Would you mind?" pointing to my wayward water tube.  At this point I was splashing about in two inches of water at the top of the slide and laughing hysterically.  What else could I do?  How embarrassing!  Her parents, somewhat leery this odd, quirky lady, gave her a silent nod to retrieve it for me.

I tried it again.  Steady..steady...."MOTHER FUCKER!"

Oh dear did I just say that out loud in front of that family?  Am I seriously sitting in two inches of water again?  Is that stupid little lifeguard smirking at me?  Where did the tube go?  Over the bushes?  Oh dear God in Heaven!

At this point, the smirking lifeguard said, "I have an extra tube for you ma'am, I'll hold it and help you."

I'll teach him a lesson for not helping me to begin with.  "Nope."

"Excuse me?"

"No, I think I'll just hang out here in the water for a few minutes."  I then proceeded to giggle and splash the two inches of water over my legs.

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, You can't do that, there's a line forming behind you."

"Have them go down the other slide."

"I'm going to have to call security.."

""Okay."  Ha!  This was a new situation for the little smart ass.  Serves him right!

While he was calling, I asked the little girl's dad to get me situated on the extra tube.  I eventually made it down.  I told Sarah she won the race by default.

Security did eventually find me but I was at the ice cream stand and even security knows not to mess with an angry woman and her chocolate ice cream.